While searching for something this morning in my emails I came across an email "update" I sent to a group of my friends about a year after we'd graduated university, and even after all these years it still gave me a laugh. I edited it slightly for brevity, and to remove some (unecessary?) profanity:
How is everyone doing?
I have enjoyed everyone's occasional updates so much, and I would like to encourage more of them. In order to do my part I shall provide you with a wee update of my own.
I am living in Jersey City and working in Manhattan. During the day I work for an architectural firm where I sit from 9-6 at a quiet desk, spending most of my time writing long-winded emails to friends about absolutely nothing or daydreaming about Mia Maniscalco. Often, on slower days, I find myself lost in moments of the deepest nostalgia as I remember back on all of those nights when I would get off of work and race to 73 Barnes to join you all in the revelrous creation of happy memories. Friends and faderade: the true ingredients of halcyon days. What more could we have asked for?
Right... anyways... since after reading this email you are obviously envious of my life... you should come to visit me! I am only a 10 minute subway ride from lower manhattan and I have a guest room. If during your stay you should cross paths with my landlady who lives in the building: do not be alarmed. Is she as crazy as she looks? Yes! But it's that harmless kind of crazy that one finds so frequently in New York; always cursing out loud for no apparent reason or mumbling insanely to herself about her catastrophically
(Enter Tom, holding a hookah coal with a strange utensil which he has pulled off of some shelf in the kitchen. Lorraine, the landlady, is present but Tom is unaware of this unfortunate fact and he proceeds to light the coal on the gas stove, holding the coal carefully using this awkward kitchen utensil.)
Landlady: "What the fuck are you doing!? You're setting things on fire!"
Tom: "Oh, ah, didn't see you there. It's a coal, for, um..."
Landlady: "For what? A joint? There's no smoking!"
Tom (still holding the coal on the flame): "How, what? No. How could this be for a joint? It's a coal for a hookah."
Landlady (in utter shock and disbelief): "A what? OH my GOD! That's my antique potato masher! YOU'RE PUTTING MY ANTIQUE POTATO MASHER IN THE FIRE!"
Tom (removing it immediately from the flames, now also in disbelief): "This bent fork thingy? With a dirty wooden handle? Oh come on! This thing has to be worthless! Although it's kind of perfect for holding this coal..."
Landlady: "OH my GOD! You're ruining it! Do you have any idea how rare those are!?"
Tom: "Rare? That's because everyone else threw theirs away! This thing couldn't have cost more than $2 thirty years ago. I bet it's lost value every day since! I'll give it back - I'll give it back - just hold on - okay?"
That spot of dialogue took me about 40 minutes to write... yikes. But you get the idea. I miss you all so much.
I hope that we can organize some group trips, or reunions of any sort this winter. Alas, oh great Fortuna. We have been dispersed from coast to coast. I'm being silly now, that is my cue to stop.
Love you all,
Your working boy,
Daryl
